If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed. Oh wait, he does.
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.
Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? They don't have the stomach for it.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. Be positive.
Archaeology really is a career in ruins.
What did the calculator say to the student? You can count on me.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.
Why are snake races so exciting? They're always neck and neck.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
joann says:
Son: - Why is that lady so fat?
Mother: - She's expecting a baby.
Son: - And what is that fat man waiting for over there at the stop?
Mother: - The tram.
Son: - Yeah, right.
My new thesaurus is terrible. In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.
"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs. "
"OK. "
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk. "
He never returned.
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
Two C strings walk into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get ya? "
The first string says "I'll have a gin and tonic. "
The second string thinks for a minute, then says "I'll take a tequila sunriseJF ()#$JF (#)$(@J#()$@#())! *FNIN! OBN134ufh1ui34hf9813f8h8384h981h3984h5F! ##@"
The first string apologizes, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated. "
What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
Can February march? No, but April may.
I have a joke about Stack Overflow, but you would say it's a duplicate.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid.
What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.
