My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
"Can I tell you a TCP joke? "
"Please tell me a TCP joke. "
"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke. "
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology. It always was my achilles elbow
Why is there always a gate around cemeteries? Because people are always dying to get in.
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
A SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.
It approaches, and asks "may I join you? "
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please.
Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs. "
"OK. "
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk. "
He never returned.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
So, I heard this pun about cows, but it’s kinda offensive so I won’t say it. I don’t want there to be any beef between us.
Two C strings walk into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get ya? "
The first string says "I'll have a gin and tonic. "
The second string thinks for a minute, then says "I'll take a tequila sunriseJF ()#$JF (#)$(@J#()$@#())! *FNIN! OBN134ufh1ui34hf9813f8h8384h981h3984h5F! ##@"
The first string apologizes, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated. "
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a price on a drink.
The barkeeper says: "For you. no charge! "
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.
Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? They don't have the stomach for it.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What's the difference between a rooster and a crow? A rooster can crow but a crow cannot rooster.
Why did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!
Never date a baker. They're too kneady.
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!
