My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
I used to work at a stationery store. But, I didn't feel like I was going anywhere.
So, I got a job at a travel agency. Now, I know I'll be going places.
Two C strings walk into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get ya? "
The first string says "I'll have a gin and tonic. "
The second string thinks for a minute, then says "I'll take a tequila sunriseJF ()#$JF (#)$(@J#()$@#())! *FNIN! OBN134ufh1ui34hf9813f8h8384h981h3984h5F! ##@"
The first string apologizes, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated. "
A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road. ”
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Never date a baker. They're too kneady.
Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.
Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. Be positive.
Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.
Can February march? No, but April may.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you? "
"Pop, " goes the weasel.
A SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.
It approaches, and asks "may I join you? "
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.
New atoms frequently lose electrons when they fail to keep an ion them.
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
Why did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!
Today I learned that changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and a "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "Machine Learning" and pays 4x your current salary.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What did the piece of bread say to the knife? Butter me up.
Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
It's been months since I bought the book "how to scam people online". It still hasn't turned up.
