I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs. "
"OK. "
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk. "
He never returned.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank
My new thesaurus is terrible. In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
"Can I tell you a TCP joke? "
"Please tell me a TCP joke. "
"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke. "
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology. It always was my achilles elbow
Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.
Pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3. 00 in The Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
Archaeology really is a career in ruins.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
