joann says:
Son: - Why is that lady so fat?
Mother: - She's expecting a baby.
Son: - And what is that fat man waiting for over there at the stop?
Mother: - The tram.
Son: - Yeah, right.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.
My new thesaurus is terrible. In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.
What did the calculator say to the student? You can count on me.
Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. Be positive.
Archaeology really is a career in ruins.
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
Why are snake races so exciting? They're always neck and neck.
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid.
Can February march? No, but April may.
My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? They don't have the stomach for it.
Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
What don't watermelons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please.
Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
What's the difference between a rooster and a crow? A rooster can crow but a crow cannot rooster.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!
Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a price on a drink.
The barkeeper says: "For you. no charge! "
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
Why is there always a gate around cemeteries? Because people are always dying to get in.
So, I heard this pun about cows, but it’s kinda offensive so I won’t say it. I don’t want there to be any beef between us.
Bad at golf? Join the club.
How many seconds are in a year?
12.
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd - etc
My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology. It always was my achilles elbow
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I was in an 80's band called the prevention. We were better than the cure.
Why did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!
How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
Pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3. 00 in The Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”
Where do fish keep their money? In the riverbank
Sgt. : Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Never date a baker. They're too kneady.
How do the trees get on the internet? They log on.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.
What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
What did the piece of bread say to the knife? Butter me up.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar - It was tense.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.
Have you heard the story about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips.
How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition
It's been months since I bought the book "how to scam people online". It still hasn't turned up.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.
A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road. ”
The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
New atoms frequently lose electrons when they fail to keep an ion them.
Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up.
Someone asked me, what's the ninth letter of the alphabet? It was a complete guess, but I was right.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
My friend told me that pepper is the best seasoning for a roast, but I took it with a grain of salt.
Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made? It's jarring.
Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand.
Where do cats write notes?
Scratch Paper!
They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
I used to work at a stationery store. But, I didn't feel like I was going anywhere.
So, I got a job at a travel agency. Now, I know I'll be going places.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you? "
"Pop, " goes the weasel.
How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
I burned 2000 calories today, I left my food in the oven for too long.
Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? So they could Scandinavian.
Why was the strawberry sad? Its parents were in a jam.
Why is it so windy inside an arena? All those fans.
I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it is more of a rap really.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.
What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.
Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
I asked my date to go to the gym the other day. They never showed up. That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? " "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels. "
What do you call a female snake. misssssssss
What is the tallest building in the world? The library – it’s got the most stories!
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador
Why does Han Solo like gum? It's chewy!
Why is the ocean always blue? Because the shore never waves back.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.
I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works, but then it struck me.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
