My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.
Never date a baker. They're too kneady.
I was in an 80's band called the prevention. We were better than the cure.
What's the difference between a rooster and a crow? A rooster can crow but a crow cannot rooster.
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar - It was tense.
Why are snake races so exciting? They're always neck and neck.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
joann says:
Son: - Why is that lady so fat?
Mother: - She's expecting a baby.
Son: - And what is that fat man waiting for over there at the stop?
Mother: - The tram.
Son: - Yeah, right.
Today I learned that changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and a "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "Machine Learning" and pays 4x your current salary.
Can February march? No, but April may.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What don't watermelons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. Be positive.
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology. It always was my achilles elbow
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!
A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Two C strings walk into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get ya? "
The first string says "I'll have a gin and tonic. "
The second string thinks for a minute, then says "I'll take a tequila sunriseJF ()#$JF (#)$(@J#()$@#())! *FNIN! OBN134ufh1ui34hf9813f8h8384h981h3984h5F! ##@"
The first string apologizes, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated. "
Bad at golf? Join the club.
Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.
